Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales.

Today, I'm in the poky little BBC studio ... / from 1973 ... / from 1973 ... yes, you've guessed if you are a regular listener, you've heard __ __ here before / whinging about it / we are in BBC Swansea ... uh ... lovely ... / Yeah. / poky little studio in the middle of it / boiling hot / Korky, you could tell by the, um ... by the ... uh, voice, the other voice / you hear / all my voice. It's not. / Korky, __ ... he's got a feature today / check it out / he saw something embarrassing this morning / That's the feature. / So, the feature's gonna be ... what ... what embarrassing thing / just / great feature / it's, I laughed out loud on a garage forecourt twice. / You LOL'ed times two / garage forecourt / new feature, everyone. Have you / LOL'ed times 2 on a garage forecourt / different spin / it / source of embarrassing / yeah, yeah, but / much more / times 2 on a garage forecourt ... __ __ __ if I have / you go see / people / I / girl / reversed into / straight into the pump / pretty ... that sounds pretty embarrassing. / Yeah. / Did you laugh, though? / explosion / I was in the car. It was pretty embarrassing / yeah / I was in the passenger seat / back / as well / but / jammed against it. Couldn't, uh ... I couldn't move forward or back 'cause __ __ __ would have made things worse / embarrassing / embarrassing moment __ garage forecourt, or laughing out loud / Uh ... / LOL is a bit more / innit? / I think / that / two different features, embarrassment on a garage forecourt / Yeah. Either-or. / laughing out loud / garage forecourt

"Thanks for turning up for work in freezing conditions" says Mathew B__ in __. ... Hey, no problem, Mathew B__ / Pleasure. / No problem. / __ __ ... / I risk ... I don't know ... I risk everything to be here. I always do risk everything / Korky drove from Cardiff / Yeah. All the way. / ... risking life, and, __ __ / somehere in __ __ / Hi, Rhod / significant other / possible __ __ __ __" says J__ in H__. "My girlfriend paid for me to have colonic irrigation ... / ... Right. / Uh ... sorry, I'm just ... I ... the little pause there, listeners, was me reading ahead, just to check whether this is suitable. / Huh. / Hang on a second, 'cause we all know colonic irrigation is not, normally, something you chat about / Saturday morning / normally __ medical program / embarrassing / big / doctor / super __ __ super-skinny / That kinda thing. / That sort of thing, isn't it? / My girlfriend / have / a joke / could be / you know / I was glad to see the back of it ... I don't know, whatever it is ... you know / Yeah, yeah. / my girlfriend paid me / it's not / I'm having it done this morning during your show / huh / what's the weirdest ... / feel uncomfortable / start laughing / just say "LOL" if you find anything amusing / Turn ... turn this off just in case you do laugh. / no chance __ __ laughing, mate. / they might. / ... I'm having it done / __ __ by surprise / look at / suggested feature: "What's the weirdest thing your Mrs. has ever bought you? / Huh. Good feature. / Do you know what? Talking of that, ... talking of that, I __ just noticed that there's a woman in the Daily Mail today, Saturday, January the 17th ... she's ... look at this / huh / is this good or not? What she did / this guy, Jim G__, he's hitting 50, / Huh huh, / Right? / which I'm doing in three years ... four years ... his wife got him ... she set him 50 quirky challenges ... / Sounds like fun. / ... to do for his 50th ... sounds awful to me. He's got to do / might like this kind of stuff. He might be up for it. What sort of stuff is it? / Uh ... #1: Go and put flowers on the grave of their home's former owner ... so, the person they bought their house off / put flowers / What? / #2: ... / What? / have a bath and / see how good it feels / #3: ... / What? / ... make a loaf of bread. ... #4: Pay for someone's tea or coffee anonymously. / Huh, that's nice / Yeah. ... "have a bath", fair enough. Right? You could do that anyway / go, "OK, tick, have done that / surely / all / shower / all the time / some / easy one / grouchy face / you / well, come on. ... Right? ... uh ... look at this. Uh ... I don't know, some of them / some of them / Come on / I'm trying to find some nice, easy ones / spit them out / wait / wait / I'm trying to find nice easy ones that you could do and just go, "Right. I've don that. Tick. / like "have a bath" / but look at this. / Yeah. / you've already done / 36 of these damn things / it's in order, is it? / 37 / you've gotta do them in order. ... I think you've gotta do them in order. ... In order. / Uh, OK. / Thing 37 / she __ thought it to that extent / そこまで考えて作ったんだね。なんて夫思いなんだ。 / at this point now / you've been doing things / what / like, four months / doing stuff at the whim of your wife / yeah, probably / take / your life / it / definitely / life / talk like a pilot for a day / it's not like ... / what now? __ four months in ... four months into your tedious / you are having to do somebody else's whimsical challenges / and you've got to / talk like a pilot for a day / a whole day / is he retired? No. He's fifty. / right / go bell-ringing. ... Right? I mean / do a self-portrait / 自画像を描け / Huh / that would take ages / be Santa for the afternoon / does that mean / When, though? / why don't you ... oh, / listen, I don't mean to ... __ __, you're probably absolutely lovely. It's ... it's ... in a way, it's a lovely thing to do / way / lovely, original, quirky, romantic, loving / she's really given it thought. Really, really given it thought / 50 thoughts / much better, much much better, I must say, than what my girlfriend gave me for Christmas ... uh, for my birthday last year, which, as I reported on air, was, nothing. Zilch. Uh, when I ... by 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I was complaining so much that I __ __ __ present or a card or anything, that she said, "Do you wanna go to Budapest?" ... That was my birthday present __ __ that's not a present. That was a conversation-starter. She just asked me a question. That was it. Even that was reluctantly done. So, this sounds a lot better than that. There's a lot more thought / How tedious! I'm sorry. How tedious! / that's just a burden. Just a chore. Isn't it? / Yeah, by ... / crop circle. I mean, come on, / 33 / do __ any more / aliens come and go / farmers / draw a map of your heart / What? / hosteling / draw a map of your heart / take pictures of a toy at each stop / do / right / thing 20 / just keep going, Jim. That's what I would do / go / and never come back / toy / it says, "Go youth-hostelling and take pictures of a toy at each stop on your journey. ... Just / what / on about? / I don't know. Just go. Just go / never come back / one or two of them __ here / you could do and just go " / I've done that. I'll tick it / do anyway / You could do that. Easy. / Yeah. / Right? / have / no burden there, is it? / No. / it's no, uh, no inconvenience / No, no / value / added with that / except / says here / the worst moment / has been / taking the bath / she ran him a bath, apparently, but she / put / go in the bath. That is challenge 2. He __ __ __ __ challenge 2. He's got 48 really quirky ones to go. / Oh, no. / Oh, I'd be fuming. / I'd be fuming if someone __ ... why didn't he test with his elbow? / you are not supposed to use / elbow / supposed to use his hand / yeah / skin / really n__ on __ elbow / why / then / always / why do they say that? / I don't know / must / really / granny. ... Never get in a bath run by a granny. / おばあちゃんが入れてくれた風呂には入るな / #46 / always said / write a haiku every day for a week / haiku / my wife / now wife ... my girlfriend / once / oh / do you remember? / No. / Do you remember? She set me a treasure hunt / Yeah? / So, __ __ __ the first clue in the house, / yeah, / and then I had to work out __ cryptic clue / this / play you in, wasn't it? / really / This is when she was keen. / Yeah. / What did I get last year? Nothing. / Yeah. / even a card / six ... seven years ago / tickets or anything. / just / do you wanna go / it was just a conversation. That's what I got for my birthday last year / I said, "Yeah, / Budapest / she was like, "Huh. ... OK. / like to go / Huh ... OK. / that conversation was my present. / __. / Anyway, when she was making an effort all those years ago, / yeah, / uh ... when she cared, / yeah, / uh, back in __ __, uh, she got me a teasure hunt. So, uh, / yeah / first / you in Cardiff / Was it? / oh / cryptic clue. Wohhh, / find me / thingy / clock / strikes three / off I went, off I went, into town, into Cardiff ... on my own, / Yeah? / on this treasure hunt. Quite excited. ... Four hours later ... cut to four hours later / __ __ __ __ all around town? / All around town. __ / little / home-made messages / later, I'm sat in a cafe in ... on my own, in __ pouring rain. I'm soaked to the skin. I'm covered in muck with __ been hidden under all piles of leaves in the park with dog poo in them, and ... I __ just absolutely fuming ... / yeah / worst day of my life. I'm stuck on this damn treasure hunt I've got to finish. I'm sat in a cafe, __ __ __ cafe, chatting with A__ J__ / just discussing what a nut she was. ... 'cause / worked / have a cup of our chocolate. ... Furious. / How far did you get? / these things, these quirky things / better off getting somebody nothing. / hang on / I think I made it at the end. / What was ... what was / at the end / arrived back at her house, / yeah? / ... where she __ __ __ a little buffet. / Ah. / Yeah. But by that point I ... I just wanted to go home / like / six hours later. It was dark. I was wet ... / That is sweet, though. / whole birthday / my own / dog-poo leaves ... excuse my language. ... Terrible present.

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

We haven't talked about your garage forecourt / loads / it / as well / feature is: Have you ever laughed / garage forcourt / something embarrassing / garage forecourt / Oh yeah. / Uh, let me ... let me tell you. We're not inundated. / Really? / So far, we've got one email on the subject of embarrassment on a garage forecourt / we've got one email / subject / one __ flooded in / on my way here this morning / some petrol / garage / nothing unusual / ladies and gentlemen. Nothing wrong with that / So far, nothing extraordinary. / No. / But ... / What's your second thing, then? / the second ... the second thing ... / First one is rubbish. / その一はスベったから。 / No, that's not the thing. That's a set-up. / hey, I've got a similar thing / G__ / this morning / I needed petrol. / Sure. / Didn't bother. ... __ __ __ chance it / 面倒だったから、入れないことにしたんだ。いちかばちか。 / wow / didn't bother. Now / desparately need petrol / to the point where __ not sure / make it back to / I'm honest / ガソリンがかなり足りない。今日は家に帰り着けるかどうかわからない。 / ok / So, / garage to get petrol. / You went to the garage to get petrol. / Yeah. The first thing I noticed / this is the first thing / just / setup. OK? / これは単なる状況説明だ。 / OK. / first thing I noticed was, there was a cashpoint machine / you'll love / this is / drove in to / forecourt / noticed / cashpoint machine / the first things that took my attention was that ... I noticed / petrol pumps and everything / took my attention / shop / noticed / garage / you must / you must have noticed / drive into / parked up / I was at the pub right next to the cashpoint / right / by the ... you know, the building. / Yeah. I know / cashpoint / building / this is one of those new floaters / it was in the wall / so, hole in the wall. / hole in the wall / now, the sign ... you'll this. This is ... this is / I'll be the judge of that. / ... The sign read ... now I've done a little diagram here, which isn't greate radio / I hope / understand / so, the sign read in big caps / FREE CASH / and, in small caps, "withdrawrals". / Well, hang on a minute. Hang on. / underneath, in smaller letters, "withdrawrals" / withdrawrals / why are you saying "withdrawrals"? / that's / say / why / cause' that's how you say / yeah. "free cash withdrawals" / we are digressing, Rhod. / 横道にそれすぎだよ。 / No, we are not. ... Feature 4 / そんなことはない。捨ててはおけん。コーナーにしてとことん突き詰めよう。 / OK. Well, __ __ two issues / cashpoint / I'm writing it down / __eral ... is it? In your world? "withdrawral"/ I am having "withdrawral" symtoms. You don't __ / I don't think it matters. I don't think / say either / たぶん、どっちも言うよ。 / I'm having / leave in a minute. / All right / you / then / deliberately. / Yeah / it was parody. ... Satire, I'd call that / that's not irony because you did it right / don't you ironize my satire__ / オレの皮肉を皮肉るな / ladies and gentlemen / is it ... do you say / or / call this radio show off / minute / thing off / nobody / withdrawrals / No? OK. / "Cash withdrawrals"? / it takes too long. Why / all that. / Well, this / totally valid feature / this is great quality / quality / still going. / Can I push on? / ... Yes, by all means. / So, my ... the thing I noticed was ... / can I recommend / quicker / you just get rid of / some obsolete syllables / with unnecessary digressions / OK. / yeah / either or / you / OK / You've got ... you've got a "dealral". / free / I went / cashpoint / yeah / Canadian s__ p__ / yeah / I / cashpoint / and, my point is this, right? If it says / "FREE CASH" in big caps, and "withdrawrals" in small letters / the meaning of that is / free cash / available / that you can withdraw from this machine / タダで現金を差し上げます。どうぞここから引き出してください、って意味になる。 / free / not / "cash withdrawal" / same caps / this is one of / the worst / Do you think? / Yeah. How old are you now? / 42. / 42 years of making points, this is the worst one. / Do you think so? / really / Everyone knows that means / without a charge. / そんなもん、「手数料がかからずに現金を引き出せます」って意味に決まってるだろ。 / why / big letters, and then / when the meaning is wrong / See what I mean? Like, / really trying to make a point / point there / free cash / free cash / shouldn't be / big / you are so vexed by this / fell off / you didn't even flinch / I know / carried on making your point / know / same / do you agree? / Uh ... Rhod to __, can you play a record now, please / play are record now, please. ... thank you.

Korky is in the middle of, uh ... well, he's in the ... in the middle of / telling / three / relating to / garage forecourt / one / almost / so, just to summerize, your first garage forecourt / stories / cashpoint / underneath / and the rest of the English-speaking population __ will oppose / and then, uh ... and you seem to think ... what's your point, again? / I thought you'd like it / 'cause / grammar thing / I didn't like it. / I can see that / move on / main point anyway. I / main two points. / You / because / free cash / you think / free cash / that's what it's telling you, yeah. / really it should be / "cash" "withdrawrals" / should be the same caps / it doesn't matter / I've lost interest in it, __ my own thing / Good. / let it go / you don't know / some / pan out, do you? / I would have known that / know / this show / off-air, during the track, you said / レコードを流している間、オフ・エアで / pan out / I could have told you, mate / basis / through / live on air / live on air / All right, so ... / nothing's more entertaining than your ideas not panning out / おまえのネタがすべるのが面白いんだ。 / it? Well, fair point. It's all / innit? / so, that happened to catch my eye. But that's not the main thing / I did / thank god / yeah. I did / garage / hilarious, but / maybe / laugh out loud / kind of ... you know, explain / a valid laugh-out-loud, really. It's in the front page of the Daily Mirror / picture / met him / little headline says / my Danny is no bad boy. He's so chilled / tiny little laugh-out-loud because I just thought we already know that, don't we? ... / I don't / gangster" It just tickled me / not hilarious / kind of, explain 'cause you __ met him / I ... I think it is a valid headline to say that an actor is just acting on TV / they're not actually the real thing / front-page stuff / OK, fine. / that / tickled __ me / perfectly valid / like his character. ... I think / very valid headline / fair point / put it like that / I accept that / point / yeah / this is a little embarrassing moment. I saw ... / it wasn't mine, luckily, / Huh. / a woman got out of her car / tried to / What car is it? / a white one. ... She ... she tried to walk in through the night payment window. / ... Get off / yeah / promise / through that little slot? / climb in through it, but she / like a cat-flap __ tried to get / through the little slot / No, not quite / stainless-steel / thing / it wasn't that bad, obviously, right? / that would be embarrassing / beam me up / beam me up / real issue. She / door / thinking it was a door / guy behind the counter / and / walked in and tried to find / window / No. / awkward moment between them / looked __ each other / for a split second, and she realized / then she / that kind of / went off / you know / worst thing / even / walk away / had to go and pay / she had to / oh, mate, __ was genius / one. You__ redeemed yourself / garage forecourt / the first two was struggling / Yeah. They were weak. / but the third one / through / night-payment window / much better.

now / earlier on, you were talking about ... / Grammar. / Well, what was the word? / "withdrawrals" / the word is "withdrawrals" / yes. / yeah. ... yeah / you say / wrong / OK. / Don't you? / well, let's see, shall we? / ... because we've been inundated with / so far, it's nil-nil. / Yeah. / I say "withdrawal". You say "withdraweral" / Let's / the whole thing off / or let's / listeners / all the way, Rhod / we've laughed / for years." ... what! / See? Interesting. Interesting. / ... you've laughed ... Amanda and Alen, you've laughed / put / free cash / go / what that means / they just mean / honestly / don't be too picky. / I can't. I can't let that go. / 捨ててはおけん。/ You know what they are saying? / Huh? / You know what they are saying? / ... matching cardigans, I bet. ... Uh ... Korky is right with his w__ pronunciation / of course / Sorry, Rhod / Jenny in Birmingham / hey, don't, uh ... don't apologize, Jenny in Birmingham / eager / kick / take your free pie / gonna / I guess / It's 1-0, pal. / OK. / uh ... Amy Edwards / @rhodgilbertshow / speaks English language / nobody says ... / yeah / Too much. Too laborious. Too ... too ... too pointless / you can have an opinion on it / Hi Rhod ... / everyone does / that's what the issue is / point about / not / hilarious point / Yeah ... I didn't say it was hilarious / hilarious point / free cash / underneath / means / leave them alone / Alen / leave the similar cardigans alone. ... Don't be mean. / お揃いカーディガンカップルをそっとしといてやれよ。 / thank we met / otherwise / emptily, looking for the other half / look at this / inundated / we've been inundated / two more pieces of paper / we've been / flippin' inundated, yeah. / everybody / get__ involved / Hi / free cash / same problem with free range eggs / Free range, eggs ... free, range eggs ... yeah. / no / yeah / my case comes up next week. / 来週、裁きを受けます。 / he thought / eggs / for free / Yeah. He stole the stuff. / タダだと思って持って帰ろうとしたら捕まっちゃった。 / So, at the moment / me and the ... / me and the English-speaking / you / some weirdo__ / that's my prediction / yeah / my prediction is / call me Nostradamrus / everyone from Carmarthen / call me Nostradamrus / I pronounce / withdrawals / not "withdrawerals" / but I'm an American / so / Rhod / yeah / good point / from / wriggle out / own pronunciation / people / say / hang on a minute / two syllables / not "withdrawrals", three syllables / Who's that from? / B__ and A__. That's four people / thanks / one point / two points / me / even / free / it catches the eye to put that bit / extra emphasis / underneath / I don't think it does / yeah / I don't / great, though / stuff / yeah. Korky's just / inundated / I'll allow it / Rhod / before / play a track / your side / minute a minute / there's no "r" / I mean, there is, but in __ wrong place. I reckon / agree with you." Chris, Belfast. / Rhod, we're on your side / no / in __ wrong place. I reckon every single / northern / what a bizzere combination of accents that was! / Was it? / Yeah. / American, Nigerian, / all sorts of / in fairness. / How many people was that from / Uh ... one. / One? / Huh. / five __ two.

I say "withdrawal". Korky / I don't, any more / joined / unbelievabley, that's the feature. / 信じ難いことに、これが今日のお題。 / two more for you. / five / left it / during that track / for me / six / one for Korky / double what you've got / win this. I know it / "Dear Rhod and Korkey / what is Korky on about? / there's only one "r" / Seven. / three / by the way / well done / taxing / it is / need to be / another one / yeah / no / after the "draw" part / Korky / can / either two or three syllables", which is probably what I'm saying. / ぼくの言ってたことに近いな。 / that's not what you were saying 近くなくねー？ / Oxford dictionary thing with pronunciation / what does it say? / It says ... / read / hang on / out / let me have a look / Oxford dictionary / before I do that / let me just t__ up / don't / quiz / I will / "I'm with Rhod / pronunciation / Oxford English Dictionary says / yeah / all right / it's me. I'm right. Boom. / finished. Oxford English Dictionary / all those people who / pronunciation / don't have a go at them just 'cause you are down / just did. I just ... I admit / just what I did / you've lost, so you / about someone else / about / oh, dear / we've only got two minutes for the quiz / have / got time / I am not / none of my quizzes deserve to be / in two minutes ... except ... Thief Quiz. / Thief Quiz! / Thief Quiz / just one question / last / show / true or false / a week ago / week ago / thieves broke into a football club's shed ... / ... like they do ... / on the Isles of __ / OK. / ... and left a [ ] at the scene. ... This is it. / all / thief quiz / one question / one question / thief / an inflatable boat which they used to get to the mainland to the island__ / Mxx mxx. / OK. ... A crowbar? / Mxx mxx. / OK. ... They left a "Thank you" note / Mxx mxx. / for all the stuff they nicked / he left / get / like / up to the football club. / Mxx. / OK. ... Ooh, / "Mxx" rather than "Mxx mxx" / Oh. / they left, uh ... I don't know. Give me a clue. / Uh ... uh ... they left somthing / that can be ... cooked in several different ways. / Oh / fish / No. / Oh ... they left / sausage / No. / they left ... an apple. ... You can do that in different ways / first / I / cook / that in different ways / you could, but you would be mad. / ... Right. / You would only / really. / no / put / how's that ... / slice it, don't they? / cook / that's baked, is it? / OK / It's not an apple. Mxx mxx. / a pie / you could / at least four or five different ways / chips ... potatos / No. / uh ... I don't know. / Thief Quiz is good. / ... Don't know / They left / fried egg / ... Right. ... Why? / I don't know. / just / presumably. / Right. / we won't know until / week / somebody else, or something else / maybe / boiled egg, or / scrumbled egg / or an omlette / maybe / just stop being theives / it doesn't make / leaving eggs / hear that, ladies and gentlemen. Korky's got a message / stop being thieves / The voice of reason. / tell you what / police budget / being slashed through / not / BBC, just me / Korky / leaving eggs doesn't make thieving fun. / policing / makes up for it / no, I don't / depends / what they took, surely. / maybe / football team / actually up / fried egg.

if you / why don't you / whole show / live on Saturday morning__ / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.